~ ๐ต๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐~ I just finished watching a documentary abo..
Added 2023-04-17 04:18:32 +0000 UTC~ ๐ต๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐~ I just finished watching a documentary about a genocide and I feel completely terrified. I have no idea why I am like this (although I suspect it has something to do with ptsd) but any documentaries involving murder or mystery leave me completely shaken for days after. I forget how bad it gets, so ofcorse i end up watching something else. I keep looking over my shoulder thinking someone will sneak up on me. Ofcorse, Iโve re-made the silent promise that I make with myself every day: never to leave the apartment again (for various reasons; todayโs being the documentary)โฆ I found myself wishing I could curl up with one of you- to be in your space and fully protected. Or that we could all crawl into bed together. I spend a lot of time introspecting on safety: ways to feel safer on a fundamental level. Something thatโs always been missing in my heart is the sense of inherent safety in myself. I think, for this reason I long for safety in other people. I constantly look for clues that theyโre THE ONE: the person, who will finally bring me absolute safety. Thatโs why I reach out to others in my moments of fear/disparity.. because safety isnโt organically generated within me.
